August 1st, 2023

On our way to Denver ! We are doing this! I coulldn’t have asked for a better hiking partner! Feeling so blessed! God’s perfect design!We’ve planned, prepped, packed and repacked. Inventoried, studied maps, downloaded apps and sent ourselves resupply food boxes. Now the day has finally come. Surreal. I cant wait to see the trail! Smell the smells and feel the dirt under our feet. Our packs are heavy and chaotic, under the plane. Mine is divided into two back plastic garbage bags. Jodie’s is in a gigantic duffle. All my outside pocket things are inside my pack: tent poles, treking poles, sunbrella…My bear can full of food and barely fit. The first round of packing everything made into my pack so nicely. I stood back to survey my work and there was the behemoth of a bear can still sitting on the table. So now I have two bags of stuff. We’ll have to find some space to organize our stuff before we hit the trail. Both of us feeling anxious about everything fitting and the weight of course. My base weight, all my stuff minus food and water, is under 22#s! Not ultralight by any means. I’m so proud, especially since I’ve opted to carry luxury items like gortex rain gear. This planned hike couldn’t have come at a better time! I’ve been pushing myself hard! I was trying pick up as much extra work as I could bare in preparation for this trip. Flexing my hours and trying to help with shortages at work. Wow, and 20 years working as an ER nurse this year! Plus trying out Ketamine Assisted Therapy to work through some past traumas I’m still trying to clear. I thoughts was handling everything so well…but my body was telling me a different sorry. My GI symptoms were so bad I could no longer eat…for nearly 2 weeks. I feel like I somehow got stuck in fight/flight mode somewhere along the way and have been unable to escape. Then returning from my anniversary trip with some new GI problems, thanks Mexico…I’m starting this adventure off feeling pretty punny. I recently had the realization that a few things have happened in my life allowing me the permission to melt down a little: I no longer hold our families benefits, my husband income surpassed mine, my youngest is working, driving and finishing high school. No one is relying on me for the first time in what feels like forever. Everyone will be okay without me, but they probably wont eat enough vegetables! I’m not abandoning my family, I’m just taking care of me, putting me first. It feels really weird. I’ve been wrestling with guilt a lot. Feeling selfish. But our lives are so short! We just don’t know how much time we have and I want to live to the fullest! Seize the opportunities, say “yes” to adventure! I’m thinking of adopting the trail name “Heidi”. I’m going to mountains to heal. Ground my mind, body and soul. I’ve been looking so forward to this journey of walking, thinking, processing. The world slowing down and becoming quite in my head. I’m grateful for the means and opportunity. I’m so very, very grateful for such a loving husband supporting my grand adventures. I’m so very grateful for the Godsend Jodie has been when she was put into my life!I met Jodie after I had given up my goats. For six years I trained these goats to be pack goats. My goal was to walk and hike more and ultimately get back into nature. They were intentionally my anti-depressant plan and it worked. I got outside. I visited with them daily, even if it was in the yard, we walked weekly. I loved them deary in spite of their destructive chaos they brought along with them. I finally had a big hike with them. Section K of the PCT in 2020, thanks Theresa! Hwy 80 to 50, 65 miles. It was a great adventure!!! But the goats were whimps! Grazing wasn’t instinctual, they lost weight, I was afraid to put anymore weight on them and carried a second bear can full of food the entire trip myself. I didn’t train them hard enough, they didn’t have grazing land to practice on. It was pointed out to me they were basically “barn goats”. Lazy pets. This was not how I imagined it would be. I was heart broken about all that hard work, disappointed. Was all their difficulty worth holding onto them? I decide not. I found them a wonderful home where they are well loved weed eaters. I came to the conclusion that they served a very important role in my healing journey. I got moving! I got outside, friends walked with me. I had fun. I learned I no longer needed them. I was ready to move forward. Sooo back to Jodie. She came to my house one day in response to my add of selling packgoat saddles. She had started a business, High Sierra Packgoats, and was outfitting her heard. I was so inspired by her story. She was loading up and getting ready to leave, this woman who was doing backpacking adventures more successfully than I was. I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to know more, tag along…”hey, can we be FB friends? I want to go hiking!” She said “sure!” Eventually that lead to Jodie saying “hey do you want to hike the PCT?”…”the Colorado Trail?” Look at where we are now! Off on a journey, another grand adventure! For me, I’m walking out of the darkness. Walking into light. Healing. Heidi